Sunday, 10 November 2013

2. The conditionless condition

i dont know if all i do and am even works
i feel bound
doomed to cause hatred
to all that come close
and to all i come close to

and this is sad
for a social creature
like myself
and others
i dont want to inspire that
or be that
and since i came to realize it now

should i do something?

i never became good at anything
not really
i am so neutral
cause i sadly see truth in it
that i build distance
but i try
i try so hard to be otherwise
to belong
be enthusiastic
be momentary
and i cant
i so cant

so what if i cry
or explain myself
or open my heart to others?
i cried so much it doesnt even show
no one believes it
and no one sees it in me anymore

i feel pain
and if i feel that
imagine how others must feel around me
when they open themselves to me

in this situation
surviving as a unit
means i should exit

i think about it
and that means im not there yet
but i dont know how to deal with the fact
that im not here either

its all brain tricks
and i may feel better tomorrow
but it comes back always
and always comes back with a fierce friend
the absent one

the nothing that reminds me of how dipped in nothingness i am

and all the love i am
all the goodness
all the genuine smiles
all the good i create
never manages to cover up the pit
never scares the beast
and never transforms all the bitter pain inside into something

i cannot connect
i always

through thoughts

i always hurt
have done so
am doing so

i wanna stop it
but i see fewer ways each passing day
i burn all the fuel i got
every minute
to connect the me in me
and that with others
but it fails
i fail me
i fail everything and i scare them, push them away, hurt them, maybe even scar them
i see fewer ways
and it comes very close to a scary one
a single one way
cause i wanna stop hurting all of you creatures
and myself
i deeply wish i could do it with you
but i see no light and hear no call and see no beacon
and im lost
so lost i feel the world is empty
except the mocking absent friend in my heart im sure i myself created
to push me away from me