2. The conditionless condition

i dont know if all i do and am even works
i feel bound
doomed to cause hatred
loneliness
distance
boredom
to all that come close
and to all i come close to

and this is sad
for a social creature
like myself
and others
i dont want to inspire that
or be that
and since i came to realize it now

should i do something?

i never became good at anything
not really
i am so neutral
cause i sadly see truth in it
that i build distance
but i try
i try so hard to be otherwise
to belong
be enthusiastic
be momentary
and i cant
i so cant

so what if i cry
or explain myself
or open my heart to others?
i cried so much it doesnt even show
no one believes it
and no one sees it in me anymore

i feel pain
constantly
and if i feel that
imagine how others must feel around me
when they open themselves to me

maybe
in this situation
surviving as a unit
means i should exit

i think about it
and that means im not there yet
but i dont know how to deal with the fact
that im not here either

its all brain tricks
and i may feel better tomorrow
clearer
happier
but it comes back always
and always comes back with a fierce friend
the absent one

the nothing that reminds me of how dipped in nothingness i am

and all the love i am
ever
all the goodness
all the genuine smiles
hugs
kisses
looks
all the good i create
never manages to cover up the pit
never scares the beast
and never transforms all the bitter pain inside into something
viable

i cannot connect
i always
somehow
hurt

through thoughts
feelings
time

i always hurt
have done so
am doing so

i wanna stop it
but i see fewer ways each passing day
i burn all the fuel i got
every minute
to connect the me in me
and that with others
but it fails
i fail me
i fail everything and i scare them, push them away, hurt them, maybe even scar them
i see fewer ways
and it comes very close to a scary one
a single one way
cause i wanna stop hurting all of you creatures
and myself
i deeply wish i could do it with you
but i see no light and hear no call and see no beacon
and im lost
so lost i feel the world is empty
except the mocking absent friend in my heart im sure i myself created
to push me away from me

1. The condition of blindness

You indulge and lose yourself in the moment. You expand and become a creature unknown yet familiar; an inbred, a faded brother or sister who, somehow, looks terribly like you.

Whose is the sky you bathe your skin in? Do you remember painting it to life, or smelling through and around it, determining which scent soothes your mind and nourishes your soul?

Do you recall being through it, experiencing it and conquering it, or someone put it there like a wallpaper of the stage set named life? Who set that milestone there? Why are your feet moving so fast right now? Can you breathe?

You can breathe.

But also invite pain. Your body is now so wounded, so gushed and nicked. Scratches and breaks carry mislead effort. Breathing associates with pain because you listened so very late; so late. But, it’s never late enough.

A brother earned, spoke of constant evolution. Time is a conception. As a conception it is not true, but it is true enough.

That granted, how would you suggest we freeze it? I see you all placing it to an icy frame, way back or way ahead. You fear it and attempt to domesticate it. For it will harm you? Well, guess what. While you’re busy fighting it with borrowed tooth and nail, it does harm you. It leaves you used up, and empty, and faceless; unremembered and alone.

The best route to solitude and inner reflection, surprisingly enough, is openness; it’s the understanding others.

The moment, life itself, is not an allowance. It’s not a scheduled vacation. You’re in it already, it’s on live now, and you’re wasting it, one breath at a time. Surrender and be surprised and never worry of death and endings.